Posts Tagged ‘sex’

The Finals were held last night on America’s Got Talent.
Here’s who performed and what happened:

Barbara Padilla (Opera Singer)
She did the Song that she performed at her Audition. She blew me away with her performance. My only problem with her is that she sounds too good. Part of me thinks that she’s secretly a Professional Opera Singer, and therefore shouldn’t be in a Competition like this.

Drew Stevyns (Singer/Guitarist)
He did a cover of Chrissie Hines’s “I’ll Stand By You”, which is a pretty good Song. I just didn’t like his version of it. He’s a douche bag and he annoys me.

Hairo Torres (Breakdancer)
He did a “tortured soul” bit as part of his set, which I thought was pretty interesting. I can somewhat relate to that.

Lawrence Beamen (Singer)
He did a cover of a Barry White Song. I didn’t like it. When I think of Barry White, I picture getting freaky with a Woman. Put it this way, he went into the Crowd and just stood in a front of a Girl and just sang. Like I told my Wife, if that was me, I’d grope the Girl while I sang. As my Wife said, he needed to put his Cock into it. I sure as hell would.

Recycled Percussion (Band)
Ok, so you got The Blue Man Group Lite here. Their set featured two of their members getting wet and banging on things. I could go for the easy joke here, but I’ll pass.
I didn’t like them.

Fab Five (Power Tap Dancers)
Ah, the all Female Tap Dancing version of The Osmonds. What can I say? they danced, smiled, and talked about their happy Family life. No thanks.

Grandma Lee (Comedian)
She started off strong with a joke about Ryan Seacrest watching Brokeback Mountain. She finished strong with a joke about her new love, Simon Cowell. I found the middle part of her set kinda weak. It’s too bad cause I really enjoyed her other sets.

Kevin Skinner (Singer/Guitarist)
Another one of my faves here. He did a cover of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”, which is another great song, but he should’ve done it without a Band. I think he would’ve nailed it otherwise.

The Texas Tenors (Singing Group)
I took this time to go to the Bathroom. When I came back, they sounded like they were barking or beying at the Moon. Either way, it wasn’t good.

The Voices of Glory (Singers)
They did a cover of Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love Of All”. I couldn’t even bear to watch it. Their voices certainly didn’t sound glorious. I’ve seen better acts in Churches, and I never go to Church.

Out of all of these, I think Barbara Padilla has the best shot at winning this year’s America’s Got Talent.

The results will be announced tomorrow night.
Also scheduled for tomorrow is a Performance by Susan Boyle.
Apparently she did a cover of The Rolling Stones “Wild Horses”.
I haven’t actually heard it yet, but I’ve heard that it’s pretty good.

I’ll be back either late tomorrow night or on Thursday to let you know who won.

Thanks for reading.

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Today, is my Third Anniversary of when I proposed to my Wife.
As promised, here’s the story of how it happened. The story’s one of my favorites, and it even includes an International Political Figure who’s actually in the news today.

It all started a few weeks before our trip to Toronto. I was on an OC Transpo bus heading to Walmart to get a few things. I knew I had a big trip coming up and I wanted to get her something special.

My Attended reminded me that they sold Engagement Rings at Walmart. At first, I was skeptical of buying it at Walmart. It just didn’t seem like something that I’d buy at Walmart.

I walked in and headed to the Counter to look at Rings. After about 15 or 20 minutes, I found the one that I wanted and thought that would look good on her finger. All I had to do was figure out how to propose to her.

The next few weeks were rough on me. I wrote, and rewrote the proposal. I’m not the type of guy that follows a script. When I did Comedy, I would often improvise on the spot during my set. Needless to say, this wasn’t an easy task.

As weeks turned into days before our trip, I was getting more and more nervous every day. Soon it was time to go to the Train Station.

We arrived at the Ottawa Train Station, not knowing who was going to be in First Class with us.

While we were waiting in the Train Station’s VIP Lounge, we saw Luba Goy. Luba Goy is a Lengendary Canadian Comedian, most notable from the Royal Canadian Air Farce. Sadly, I remembered her most from being on Mr. Dressup and other kids shows.

For most of the ride, she sat elsewhere in our section. At one point, she walked by us to use the bathroom. On her way back, I yelled out, hey, I know you. From there, she introduced herself and she asked to join us. I must admit that I was a little starstrucked, just because she’s a Comedy Legend. At the time, I was just a few days away from my first Comedy gig ever. This was a pretty big deal to me.

She stayed with us for the rest of the trip, which was about two hours at this point. She was a great lady, very interested in us and our story etc. She even called me a few days later and literally left a 5 minute message on my voicemail. I was sad that I missed her call. I tried to contact her, but had no luck.

As if that wasn’t odd enough, there was someone else sitting near us, who’s pretty well known too. As it turned out, The President Of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai was sitting beside us surrounded by Bodyguards.

At first, I didn’t believe it, but Luba Goy, and my Wife confirmed it. I googled him when we returned home, sure enough, it was him. He made small talk with us for a few minutes, which was pretty neat.

Our Train arrived, and my Wife & I headed to our Hotel right across the Street. We managed to get a Suite at the Fairmont Royal York. The room was HUGE, and I could actually use the bathroom. I can’t even do that in my home.

The moment was soon to arrive. I decided that I wanted to be comfortable, so I proposed to her just wearing Boxers. She was wearing something comfty and sexy as well.

All I truly remember from the Proposal is saying that I want to tell her something. Apparently, I freaked her out because she thought I was mad at her or something. That’s not a good way to begin a Proposal.
As it turned out, she said yes, and I later found out that she was hoping that I’d ask.

We went to bed after that. Believe it or not, this was the first time we were able to sleep together. The reason is because I was still using a Hospital Bed at the time, and it was just a single bed. In fact, whenever she stayed over, she’d have to sleep on the floor. Needless to say, we didn’t really sleep that night in Toronto.

The next morning, we ordered room service. I managed to frighten the guy with an overly friendly hello from my bed, which was about 40 or 50 feet from the door. Hey, I got engaged, and spent the night having great sex. I think you’d be pretty happy too.

My Wife & I spent a few hours sightseeing in Toronto and went up The CN Tower, which was my second time there at that point. I went back one time since, which was just last Summer.

A few hours later, we headed back to Ottawa. There wasn’t anyone famous on our journey back, but we had a train load of memories.

Tonight we’re heading to a revolving Roof Top Restaurant to celebrate.

It’s not as high as The CN Tower, but it’s not easy to when you’re still on top of the world, three years later.

So, last night was full of performances on America’s Got Talent.
Here’s a list of who performed:

Ishaara (Bollywood Dance Group)
Barbara Padilla (Opera Singer)
Pam Martin’s Top Dogs (Dog Variety Act)
African High Flyers (Acrobats)
Mia Boostrom (Singer/Musician)
Erik and Rickie (Ballroom Dancers)
Coney Island Chris (Sideshow)
Matt & Anthony (Dance/Musician Duo)
The Lollipop Girls (Burlesque Dance Troupe)
Drew Stevyns (Singer/Guitarist)
Recycled Percussion Band (Band)
The EriAm Sisters (Singing Group)

I didn’t get a chance to vote before the deadline, but the first two acts (Ishaara, & Barbara Padilla) were pretty good.

Ishaara knows their Bollywood stuff and they did a great job. Barbara Padilla also turned in a great performance. Opera isn’t my thing, but I like people with true talent in Music.

Pam Martin’s Top Dogs were alright, but Dog Acts tend to bore me after awhile.
African High Flyers weren’t bad, but their Audition was better.

Mia Boostrom tried out last year, but didn’t make it. This time around, she did a Leonard Cohen song that suited her. It was a pretty strong performance.
Erik and Rickie were very good. They’re only 8 and 9 years old, but danced like Adults who’ve done it their whole life. I was VERY impressed by them.

The Lollipop Girls were sexy and danced well, plus gave a show suited for Las Vegas. On the other hand, Coney Island Chris absolutely bombed. He lit his Tongue on fire, and blew flames. We’ve all seen that.

I’m not really sure what Matt & Anthony are trying to do. One sings with a Guitar while the other is tap dancing. Odd combo.
Drew Stevyns has an ok voice, but far from being the best Singer on the show. He also looks like just another douche bag with a Guitar.

Recycled Percussion Band has been done to death already. They’re like the Blue Man Group minus the make-up.
The EriAm Sisters were very good at doing a Destiny’s Child song.

Out of the ones that performed last night, here’s my choices for the ones to move on:
Ishaara
Barbara Padilla
Mia Boostrom
Erik and Rickie
The Lollipop Girls
The EriAm Sisters

We’ll find out tonight who moves on to the next round.

Thanks for reading.

Before I begin, I just wanna say that I spent a few hours last night with my Wife & I saw her this morning before she headed to the Train Station. Also, she said that I can watch America’s Got Talent that I recorded on Wednesday Night. Once I see it, I’ll post the results here and see if my votes counted. I’ll probably watch it either tonight or tomorrow.

Alright, so how many of you remember the big blackout of 2003?
I certainly do.

I’ve posted this story at least once before on here, but alot of new people are coming to this blog lately, so I’ll write about it again.

It was around 4 PM on August 2003. I decided that I was gonna do Laundry. I gathered all my stuff and headed to the Basement. I had just put my Clothes in the Washer when the room went pitch black. Luckily, I hadn’t started the Washer yet. The blackout started at 4:15 PM.

I headed into the hallway and hoped that the Elevators would work. Luckily, I managed to get back to my place. I stayed home for a few minutes, then decided to head out. I wanted to see how people were adjusting to it and what it was like around downtown Ottawa during this.

As I headed outside, I passed by my best friend. (R.I.P. Chris Puddy)
We spoke for a few minutes and I asked him if he wanted to come along, but he said no. I remember saying as I left, “I don’t know what’s gonna happen or what I’ll see, but either way, I’ll see you on the other side of this”.

With that said, I headed downtown to The Byward Market to see what was going on. By the time I got down there, most places were either closed or closing up. It was very bizarre for me driving my Wheelchair down the Street and not seeing traffic lights. I saw Cops and even normal Citizens directing traffic.

When we arrived at the Market, a Woman from CBC stopped me for an interview. She wanted to know how I was coping with the Blackout and how it affected me. At this point, it didn’t really bother me. I wish she had stuck around cause the story was about to get a whole lot more interesting.

I headed to (then called) the Chateau Laurier Hotel to use the bathroom. At this point, I was starting to worry about my Battery on my Ventilator. The Manager of the Hotel saw me and asked if I needed a ride to the Hospital.

A little while later, Para Transpo arrived and they took me to the Hospital, so I could get plugged in. I arrived and they put a face mask on me, which annoyed me.

A few hours later, my Battery died, so they gave me a bed in the ER. As time went on, I started getting tired, so I tried to sleep.

It was hard enough dozing off with all the alarms going off. Just as I closed my eyes, they decided to ship out everyone who were just there using the power.

At 3 AM, a Para Transpo van had arrived to take us to a Community Centre in Orleans. Orleans is about a 30 minute drive from the Hospital. So here I was, in a van with strangers, barreling down the highway after 3 AM.

We arrived at our destination just before 3:30 AM and we wanted to sleep. This time, they gave us Cots to sleep in. Sleeping on a Cot when you’re disabled isn’t the best idea in the World. I was extremely uncomfortable and my back was starting to hurt.

At this point, I had given up on the idea of sleep. I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed.

At 9 AM, I heard that power was slowly returning to people living downtown. I hopped on a Bus & returned to the comfort of my home and my bed.

Needless to say, I slept for the rest of the day.

Thanks for reading,

Not a whole lot happened last night. My Wife was busy cleaning her place before she goes away this weekend.

I figured today that I’d answer some questions that I get asked often or just things people wonder about me.

So here are some questions that people ask me or wonder about. (probably)

Are you actually disabled?

BS Answer: No, I’m just really freakin lazy, and I’m in it for the chicks and the SWEET parking spots.

Truth: Yes, I was born on January 4th, 1975 with a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy called Nemaline Myopathy. Muscular Dystrophy kills muscle cells. There’s various forms of NM and it affects people differently. My form affects my lungs, which renders me unable to breathe, so I use a Ventilator to breathe. I’m also unable to walk and other various things.

Is it true that you lived in a Hospital for 19 years?

BS Answer: No, I just tell that to people to see if they’re paying attention.

Truth: I lived at the Childrens Hospital Of Eastern Ontario from 1975-1994, which is infact, 19 years. When I was born, they only gave me a year to live. I lived in ICU from 1975-1981 and then got transferred to a School Aged Ward with kids who WEREN’T in Comas. I made a shitload of friends, but sadly, many of them died due to various illnesses. When the time came near that I was getting too old to be there, they asked me if I wanted to live in a Group Home or another Hospital. I chose a third option, to live on my own. On March 16th, 1994, I moved into my own Apartment with 24 hour care. At the time, I was the first person on a Ventilator to attempt it. I’m proud to say that I’m still on my own, 15 years later.

Can you speak?

BS Answer: No, I just blink & grunt when someone pisses me off.

Truth: Of course, I can speak. It can sometimes be really hard to understand me. I sound like a cross between Eric Cartman & Darth Vader. I can ONLY speak when it’s giving me a breath and that’s why I pause when I speak. Just be patient with me and don’t worry about asking me to repeat myself. I’d prefer you hear & understand me, instead of being misunderstood.

Can you have sex?

BS Answer: No, disabled people can’t have sex, should never even think about sex, or even date. If they do date, the other person MUST be disabled.

Truth: I can have sex & I abosolutely LOVE sex. The best part is that I don’t have to stop to breathe. For the record, my Wife is able bodied.

Are you married?

BS Answer: No, I sit on a street corner begging to show my penis for $1.

Truth: Yes, technically, I’m married, but not by law. Due to the type of funding that I recieve, I’m unable to marry or live with her.

Do you have any Tattoos or Piercings?

BS Answer: No, I refuse to experess myself. Tattoos are evil and my body is a Temple.

Truth: I have 5 Tattoos. My tattoos are lightning bolt on left bicep, barbwire around left wrist, chain link around my right wrist, pot leaf below left knee shaped like the Canadian Flag, and below it, it says OH CANABIS, and chinese wording which means unique, on my lower right leg. I want to get at least one more one day.

Are you Mentally Challenged?

BS Answer: Yes, I personally think I’m the King of Siam and Birds are out to get me.

Truth: While some people would argue that I am, I’m in fact NOT Mentally Challenged.

Is it true that you did Stand-Up Comedy?

BS Answer: No, I sat outside The Salvation Army for two years yelling at people. It was GOLD, baby!

Truth: Yes, I did Stand-Up Comedy for two years at Yuk Yuk’s and other local venues from 2006-2008.

Why don’t you do it anymore?

BS Answer: Too many people started throwing shit at me and I kept forgetting to wear a Helmet for protection.

Truth: Long story short, there’s no more Wheelchair Accessible Comedy Clubs in Ottawa, including the main one I performed at. Yuk Yuk’s changed locations and it’s no longer Wheelchair Accessible.

Do you miss it?

BS Answer: No, I make others laugh. Mostly old people when I run them over.

Truth: Honestly, I miss certain aspects of it like making people laugh. However, I don’t miss the politics of it or the brown nosing involved. I do plan to return someday/ somehow, but it’ll be done on MY terms. Believe me, the curtain hasn’t closed yet.

What do you do for fun these days?

BS Answer: I sit home all day and think about myself in a different City or Country, while I hold a Gun to my head.

Truth: During the day, I usually take care of business, making phone calls, emailing people, and taking care of my life. In between that, I’m usually on Twitter or Facebook, or just surfing the web. I spend alot of time outdoors in the Summer doing various things. I also enjoy watching TV, listening to music, watching movies. The time that I have left over is usually spent with my Wife.

Aren’t you that guy I see everywhere in Ottawa, such as the Market, downtovn, Sparks Street etc etc.

BS Answer: No, that’s my Twin Brother, Juan.

Truth: Yup, if you’re from Ottawa, and you’re downtown often, you’ve probably seen me, especially in the Summer. So, if you see me around in person, don’t be shy to approach me. I like knowing that you’ve seen me or you read my blog.

Are you a happy person?

BS Answer:
No, I’m a very angry, bitter person, and I hate my life.

Truth: I’m generally a very happy, easy-going, laid back type of person. While it’s no secret that I’ve had my ups & downs in life, the same can be said about pretty much anyone reading this. I have a good life, a great Wife. I also believe that OJ used a knife. How’s that for rhyming skills?

Well, that’s it for now.
If any of you have any questions, please feel free to contact me through here, or by email, or on Facebook or Twitter.

Perhaps I’ll even do another Q & A post in the future.

Thanks for reading.

As I write this, I’m silently wishing that I had enough strength to bang my head against a wall.
Just for half a minute please!

I guess the other option would be to have someone toss a brick into my face.
Wouldn’t that be fun to watch, kids?

So, last night, I stayed home and caught up on shows on The Movie Network/HBO Canada or whatever they call it now. Then, I watched Pineapple Express. For some reason, I referred to it as Polar Express, but it’s slightly different.

Polar Express is about a Train and it’s a kids cartoon with Tom Hanks.
Pineapple Express is about two Potheads running from bad guys, but it’s not for kids.

Long story short…
Don’t do drugs!
I never believed that theory myself.

While I watched the movie, I was tweetering with some people, which was fun.

Here’s another childhood memory.
I remember becoming a Teenager while I was living in the Hospital. Like most normal Teenaged boys, I liked Porn. Every Saturday night, a show called Bleu Nuit would come on the French TV Channel.

Basically, it was a TV show that aired Softcore Porn Movies or shows. When you’re 13 and before Web times, this was a pretty big deal for me. Obviously, this was WAY past my usual bedtime, so every Saturday Night, I’d come up with an excuse as to why I couldn’t sleep. My usual one was that I’m too excited to sleep. Little did they know how honest that excuse was.

I remember one time, I had a mean Nurse or I pissed her off. She made me go to bed early. Luckily, I had a roommate at the time and he agreed to turn my TV on when the show came on. Sure enough, he came over to my bed & turned my TV on.

Our fun only lasted about 20-30 minutes because the Nurse was making the rounds. He managed to shut the TV off and quietly push it back right before she got to our room.

I think I got caught a few times, but I never got punished for it.
What were they gonna do, kick me out?
I kinda wish they had.

Thanks for reading.

After three days of nice weather, rain’s set to return for a few days.

I went to the Doctor’s today. I always feel kinda awkward in Waiting Rooms. Surrounded by sick people, plus Doctors etc. So far, I haven’t had Swine Flu, so thumbs up to that at least.

As usual, the waiting lasted longer than my actual appointment. It has always drove me nuts making appointments. I never get to see Doctors or anyone like that at the specific time.

So why even set times anymore?
You should be able to call up & say that you want to see the Doctor on a certain day or evening. Not enough Doctors work at Night or Weekends, by the way, at least in my personal experience. More Doctors should work Weekends or Evenings. It’d be MUCH easier for people with jobs then. While you’re at it, do the same for Banks too.
I don’t trust online Banking.
You shouldn’t be doing Personal Financial stuff the same way that you use to look at Porn.
Not that I look at Porn.
I’m married, & married men don’t need porn, right?

*coughs*

Anyways, there’s my 2 cents worth.

Alright, moving on…
Now that the rain’s upon us, I’ll probably stay home tonight and relax. I’m hoping that my Wife will want to watch another episode of America’s Got Talent that I recorded over the past few weeks. That’s a pretty fun show actually. The early shows in the season remind me of The Gong Show.

Besides that, I have no other plans for tonight.

Thanks for reading.

So last night was the first night of Bluesfest. I didn’t stick around to see Jeff Beck, but I saw a few good acts.

Amanda Rheaume — She had a few good songs and it helped that she’s easy on the eyes. I’d describe her as Folksy, at least with some of her songs. She was the first act to kick off Bluesfest, which can be tough to pull off. She did ok, but I wanted something with a little more kick, so I headed off in search of it.

Flash Lightnin’ — Ah, I hit something good here. One of the things that I like about Bluesfest is the ability to wander to other stages and find Bands that you’ve never heard of, and hopefully see that they’re really good. I refer to that as the hidden gems. This was the case with Flash Lightnin. They come from Toronto and consist of three guys rocking out. When I saw them, my first thought was it sounds like Southern Rock. Low & behold, I read their bio AFTER the show and that’s exactly what they are and probably why I found them to be really good. It was a pretty solid set.

After their set, I ran into my Wife (not literally) on her way to a show inside the Theatre. I decided to check it out to see if I’d find another hidden gem.

Jon Creeden — I gave it a shot, I really did. I stayed for four songs. He had a good voice, but it just sounded too much like some guy playing Guitar at Lunch time in the School Yard of a Highschool. I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but that’s the vibe I got. After four songs, I headed back outside to see The Black Keys.

The Black Keys — I have to admit, I didn’t really know who they were before seeing them. I was pretty amazed at what I saw & heard. I’m not really sure who they reminded me of, but the combination of a bad ass Drummer & Guitarist meshed very well together.

After awhile, I decided to walk around a bit. My Wife saw me & we bought some Bluesfest wear. I got a T-Shirt & another set of beads to wear around my neck. From there, we went to see Sergent Garcia, but stopped in the Theatre to check out John Campbelljohn.

John Campbelljohn — When we were sitting outside the door, he sounded pretty good, so we headed inside. Not to stereotype, but it’s been my experience that the older the singer of a Blues Band is, the better they are at capturing the true spirit of the Blues. The guy appeared to be in his mid fifties. Sadly, this wasn’t the case this time. His new song was a Hippie song. Normally, I’m up for that, but the one after sounded too much like Country. So, we left & continued on our journey to see Sergent Garcia.

Sergent Garcia — This group had potential. They were from Cuba and played Cuban music, which is normally pretty good. For some reason, we weren’t really into it as much as we tried. There was this Couple dancing in front of us who were REALLY into it and I think they even had sex while they were dancing. It was getting cold at that point anyways, so we headed home.

All in all, not a bad first night.

Here’s tonight’s line-up:

Subway Stage
6:00 pm Brothers Chaffey
7:15 pm Holy F*ck
8:45 pm Iron & Wine

Bank of America Stage
7:00 pm Sista Monica
9:30 pm Ben Harper and Relentless7

Rogers Stage
6:00 pm Shiloh
8:00 pm Metric

Hard Rock Cafe Stage
6:00 pm Tara Holloway
7:15 pm Saffire – The Uppity Blues Women FAREWELL TOUR
9:30 pm The Road Hammers

Barney Danson Theatre
6:15 pm Marie-Josee Houle
7:30 pm Ana Miura
9:00 pm Colin Linden

Blacksheep Stage
6:15 pm Kyrie Kristmanson
7:45 pm Ryan Shaw
9:15 pm Oumou Sangare

Tonight is also the start of “Bluesfest In The Byward”.

George Clinton & Parliament will be there.
I think I’ll be checking out Holy Fuck, perhaps Metric, but definitely seeing Ben Harper.

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.